


What You Want

by aishahiwatari



Series: McKirk shorts [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Accidental justification of clickbait, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 13:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16409306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishahiwatari/pseuds/aishahiwatari
Summary: Jim reads an article entitled “Things Men Want from Relationships (But They Won’t Tell You)”.It’s a genuinely terrible article but it makes him realize a few things about his relationship with Bones.





	What You Want

**Author's Note:**

> This is set vaguely after Into Darkness.

Jim was bored. He had an hour to go before the Very Important Starfleet Officers’ Dinner to which he’d been invited, under direct instructions not to be late under any circumstances. With the way the admiralty had been treating him lately, he thought it would be best to stay on their good side, at least while they were between missions.

 

And since an hour wasn’t nearly enough time to do anything of any significance, and he’d already spruced himself up in his dress uniform, he guessed he was staying put on the couch in his rooms.

 

The girl he’d brought back a couple of nights ago -Marlena? Marala? Josephine?- had left a trashy magazine under his bed, and he flipped through it with no real intent until he found an article that made him grimace and roll his eyes at the same time.

 

**_Things Men Want from Relationships (But They Won’t Tell You)_ **

 

It was appallingly sexist and reductive and he was just reading it in order to disagree with each of the points.

 

**_Strength and Support._ ** Okay, so it wasn’t just all of the terrible things he’d initially thought, but the mind-bogglingly obvious ones too. As though anybody wouldn’t want that in any sort of relationship, be it a romantic or friendly or familial one. Even Jim thought he’d be able to grasp that, and there wasn’t a man, woman or being of indeterminate gender who in their right mind would consider him relationship material.

 

“I’m reading it ironically,” he said, when he became aware of a presence behind him.

 

“And here I thought you were thinking of settling down.” Bones leaned over the back of the couch, weight on his elbows, dressed in- holy fuck. Was that on the list? A partner who looked entirely delectable in a dress uniform? Had to be at least top ten, right?

 

“Couldn’t put anyone through that, Bones.” Wait a minute. What was Bones doing in his dress uniform anyway? Jim turned to look at him. “What are you doing?”

 

“Didn’t Spock tell you? They want all senior officers. Think they’re hoping for a repeat of the Nibiru incident, that maybe someone’ll rat you out for filling in the wrong forms or something.” Bones checked his reflection, made a pointless adjustment to perfectly styled hair. Jim smelled a waft of aftershave with the movement.

 

“He didn’t say anything.”

 

Bones’ silent unimpressed look was enough of a response to convey what he thought about that. “Not sure what they’re hoping to hear. You’ve calmed down a lot since-“ he stopped, cleared his throat. Jim let him avoid the topic, aware his own death, however temporary, had left scars that would never heal. “Point is, anyone’d be lucky to have you.”

 

Jim shot him a doubtful look that was met with an arched brow, a wordless challenge. It was Jim who looked away.

 

**_Humility and Willingness to Let Go._ ** Jim was stubborn, proud and immodest. Not that any of it mattered.

 

“You want a drink before we venture out into the swirling abyss?” Bones was already pouring two measures of bourbon, just on the sensible side of generous. He handed one to Jim without waiting for a response.

 

**_Presence and Understanding._ ** Pretty difficult to be present while on a five-year mission. And Jim barely even understood himself. He sipped his drink with a sigh, felt Bones’ gaze on him but was allowed to continue reading without interruption.

 

**_Occasional Distance._ ** Jim could -sort of- do that. If occasionally meant almost constantly and distance was measured in light years. 

 

Bones was on his comm, contentedly sipping his own drink, sedate and relaxed. He was making Jim feel less daunted by the prospect of the evening just by being there. Knowing he would have someone to walk in with, someone to mutter asides to. It made all the difference in the world.

 

**_Friendship._ ** Where the hell would he be without Bones, really? Aside from, well, dead. A hundred times over. And, arguably worse, depressed and lonely with nobody to turn to when the admiralty was coming down on him, when Spock was falling victim to a fit of logic. Who would make him laugh about tales of Scotty’s engineers injuring themselves instead of letting him despair over their continued clumsiness? How could he tell stories of their escapades during their time at the academy without Bones interjecting to keep him grounded when he occasionally exaggerated the most dramatic details but left out, for example, the fact that he had been wearing a dress having only shaved one leg in preparation. 

 

**_Laughter and Lightheartedness._ ** So yeah, Jim could do that. But he could do it much better while surrounded by people he trusted.

 

“Is Scotty coming tonight?” He asked, and Bones rolled his eyes.

 

“Said he would, yesterday. Haven’t seen him today, though. So if you get a call saying he’s miraculously injured himself while carrying out a routine task, you know why.”

 

“Did you know the last time I took him to an Officers’ Dinner he ended up playing drinking games with the Staff PAs? He learned so much and only had to confess to maybe three federal crimes.”

 

Bones laughed, and the sound warmed Jim’s heart. Yeah, laughter he could do. It was the serious stuff he had trouble with. “Did that include the High Treason against the Queen of Atania? She was deathly allergic to dogs and he nearly killed her.”

 

“I don’t know, he won’t tell me! And -fuck- what about that cake I conveyed to Nortrum Four when our research hadn’t shown they were all gluten-intolerant? Is that what High Treason is? That princess was really bloated.”

 

“I think it has to be risking permanent injury to be treason. You’re probably fine.”

 

“They wouldn’t invite me to dinner if they thought I’d committed treason, right?”

 

“Well, they invited you, and they invited Scotty who has apparently done far worse, and they invited me even though I disobeyed the laws of humanity, so maybe standards are just slipping.”

 

The mention of Bones’ so-called crime still made Jim’s stomach clench. Seeking a distraction, he glanced back at his magazine.

 

**_Loyalty._ ** Well, he’d do anything for his crew. But Jim knew that probably wasn’t what the article meant. It at least partly referred to not fucking other people, which was something Jim couldn’t say he had done for any partner. It wasn’t necessarily a problem. He could find peace with the concept, he had just never come across anyone who made him want to come back to them and only them after that first time.

 

He didn’t think he’d met anyone who had done it for him, either. It was hardly fair to ask. Jim wondered what it would be like, to know he had a partner relying on him for their sexual fulfilment. 

 

Okay, that would be deeply satisfying and a huge ego boost, if somebody were willing to trust him with something like that, even knowing who he was. What he had done. How he acted around new people. Yeah, that somebody would have to be clinically insane, which did limit their options somewhat.

 

**_Trust._ **

 

Jim didn’t trust anyone. Kind of put a damper on that one. After all he had seen and experienced, how could he rely on anyone to always be there when he needed it just because they said they would? How could he expect anyone to put up with his escapades based on their word? It made no sense.

 

“Gunna use the head. Then you ready to go?” Bones asked as he stood, and Jim nodded vaguely, still deep in thought. Maybe the article hadn’t been a good idea right before he was due to be out in front of a crowd, radiating authority and poise. It wasn’t exactly doing much for his confidence. Still, he was getting towards the end. How much worse could it get?

 

Jim stood up to face the mirror, realising suddenly he hadn’t done nearly enough with his hair. Although it looked artfully tousled at that moment, too much time in the heavily air-conditioned environment favored by the admiralty and he’d look like he’d gone three rounds with a horny Orion.

 

**_Patience._ ** Sure. Sort of. Jim could understand when things took time. He did get frustrated sometimes when people couldn’t quite keep up with him, even though a part of him knew his mind worked a little differently, compared to other people. Regular people, he thought sometimes. Was that immodest? Or just accepting of his own differences?

 

He caught sight of Bones rolling his eyes when he saw him at the mirror, shot him a smirk and a wink, expecting something resembling a barrage of abuse in response. But Bones just smiled back, deceptively fond. It made Jim’s mind reach back to their academy days, when he’d drag Bones out whether he wanted to go or not, would hold off on seeking his usual conquests until he saw him socialising and having fun.

 

Jim couldn’t believe how busy they’d been since then, made up his mind to make some time for just the two of them. Even if they just went to a bar to drink and talk like they always did, the change in scenery would do them good. Going somewhere new where nobody was trying to kill them would, too.

 

It had always been a great way to spend a night. Even with no prospect of getting laid or into a fight, it had seemed to hold Jim’s destructive urges at bay a little longer each time. He and Bones had spent hours talking about nothing and everything, never getting bored, happy to sit in silence for minutes at a time.

 

Yeah, Jim needed to organise that again. He couldn’t wait.

 

**_Happiness._ ** Oh, was that all? Just the sensation mankind had been chasing after for centuries? Good luck with that.

 

“Goddamnit, Jim. Your hair looks fine. You look fine. None of the admirals are going to be looking to sleep with you and you’re too good for them anyway. Just leave it alone and be done.”

 

Jim paused to read the next heading before turning.

 

**_Praise, Appreciation, Approval._ ** He was not much good with words, although he could charm the pants off beings of numerous vaguely humanoid species. It was the morning after when things got difficult. That was why he usually ducked out when they were sleeping, which was probably some sort of implied insult that did nothing to help his case.

 

“I feel like- I’m wearing a costume. Like I’m playing a game and this is my character. It’s not really me. You know?” He confessed as Bones approached to brush imaginary lint from his jacket.

 

“It’s called Imposter Syndrome. Perfectly normal, means you have some of your humanity left. It’s a good thing.”

 

“Imposter Syndrome, yeah! I can captain a ship, but with this stuff I feel way out of my depth. It’s like- everybody deserves to be there except me.”

 

“That’s- how it makes you feel, yeah. Of course, it’s appropriate in the case of some of your colleagues. But you have a crew who would do anything for you. A band of officers willing to call you their leader and their friend. You’re flying the flagship, Jim. And if you believe anything I say, then believe this. You’ve earned it.”

 

Jim’s heart clenched, then pounded. He felt sort of tingly. His eyes stung.

 

“You’re biased,” he said, and Bones regarded him will well-practiced fond tolerance. Jim could hardly stand it. He looked away.

 

**_Kindness._ ** Okay, they were getting into some real Friendship is Magic shit, right there. Every child in the world could grasp from any limited exposure to humanity and/or mainstream media that kindness was to be desired. That stupid article was beginning to piss him off.

 

“Ready to go?” Jim asked.

 

“I’ve been ready to go for ten minutes. Lead the way, Captain.”

 

Something about the way Bones said it -sarcastically, mostly- sent shivers down Jim’s spine. He did as he was told without thinking about it too much. His quarters were in the same complex as the hall where they would be meeting for dinner, so it was a matter of strolling down the corridor to the turbolift, then standing and waiting while the population of the building moved around them. Too late, Jim realised he was still holding the damn magazine. Shit.

 

He took a glance when he thought Bones wasn’t looking.

 

**_Touch._ **

 

Bones was smirking. He had definitely noticed. But Jim had finally found a criterion he could meet. He loved to touch, to explore, to make memories based on textures and pressures and shapes. Yes. That was exactly his thing.

 

They left the lift onto the correct floor, Jim still leading the way. There was something, a thought or a notion prodding at the back of his mind, something he had missed. And it wasn’t just the last heading in the accursed article.

 

He stopped outside the door to the hall, right by a recycler, to read it.

 

**_Passion._ **

 

Before he could throw it in the machine, Bones was there, close enough to bump his shoulder against Jim’s, warm and effortlessly reassuring.

 

It made something click in Jim’s head. There was nobody in the entranceway, all of their fellow senior officers either inside already or genuinely late. He looked at Bones, who looked back, mildly impatient, vaguely exasperated, wholly and utterly loving.

 

Bones’ expression quirked in concern after a moment, and Jim twisted, grabbed the front of Bones’ jacket and pulled him into a kiss.

 

He had been looking at everything in entirely the wrong way.

 

He was a man, and he wanted, but he had never told anybody, not even his best friend.

 

“Oh thank God,” Bones growled against his lips, hauling Jim by his dress uniform into a somewhat secluded corner, shoving him up against the wall and kissing him thoroughly. Jim let him, then welcomed him, then encouraged more.

 

Jim loved him.

 

“Been waitin’ so damn long,” Bones murmured, with a crack in his voice, between kisses, above the sorrowful little whimper Jim let out in response. “No idea how you couldn’t see it. Some genius. But you’re worth any wait, Jim. I’d follow you to the ends of the universe. I’d watch you fall into the arms of a hundred more strangers if it meant I got to be the one you came home to. That bein’ said-“ he pulled back to leave Jim breathless and staring, pinned and helpless and oh-so turned on- “If we’re gonna do this, I don’t share, sweetheart. You’ll be mine and mine alone. Don’t make any promises you can’t keep.”

 

He looked at Jim expectantly, then, and it took Jim a moment to reconcile what he was feeling with reality, to figure out a response was required. He could only think of one. “I love you.”

 

Bones smiled, slow and real and filling Jim with warmth from the inside out. “Good enough for me.”

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t quite as coherent as I had hoped/over-ambitiously planned, but it’s still cute, right? 
> 
> If the formatting is weird, let me know. It’s my first time publishing from mobile so I might have missed some British spellings too!


End file.
